An old voice in my head...

There is an old voice in my head, holding me back,
Well tell her I will miss our little talks.

Recently there have been many changes in my life: a change in career settings and location. There were many benefits to the move, but several drawbacks as well. In my previous environment I was so very overwhelmed that this change has been refreshing and everything that I had imagined my chosen path would take me. I wake up in the morning with a renewed passion for being a caregiver, in all aspects of the word. This is all in part to my partners, my staff, and most of all my patients and they know they have my thanks.

But, (yes, you knew that was coming of course), as I settle into my new lifestyle I am finding it hard to find my routine. To find the balance between training, work (which is really just another aspect of life now instead of "work"), and home. It doesn't help to still have an office full of boxes (albeit the pain cave is fully functional...you see where my priorities lie, LOL) and injured family. I also recently found out that I did not succeed at something very important in my life, and I feel like I have let my family, my friends, my colleagues and my patients down. This has dreadfully impacted my training and in turn my health.

These are not excuses, in fact they are truths I need to own up to:
- I have been neglecting my health (missing supplements/thyroid/arthritis meds for days-weeks.
- I have been lax in my training.
- I have been off my gastric bypass lifestyle.
- I have been receding into a poor routine.

I think it hit me this last weekend on our long run of 18 miles. As we completed the Flatwoods BBD loop rounding mile 9, I thought to myself, "Why don't we just do 11 and call it for the day?" It did not phase me that the thought had entered my mind. I am ashamed to say I did not dismiss it either. After cooling off a bit and stretching I decided to push forward at least to 13.1, maybe 15...but likely not the whole 18 prescribed.

The run gods thought otherwise, as I rounded the corner to the mile 4 water stop (really mile 13 for me), , Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men started playing. The catchy tune got my legs moving again and I settled into a comfortable run paying attention to the lyrics instead of the pain in my knee and feet. Then I heard it...

There is an old voice in my head, holding me back....

And I realized, that was what has been holding me back...not the move, not pressures of my field, not the loneliness of being apart from my love and supportive friends...it was me. That old voice from 3 years ago when I was 200 pounds, unhealthy and unhappy. It has been more comfortable during these times of stress to turn back to my old vices, to my old habits. My family, my love, my coach and my friends have all reminded me of that these past 48 hours. So...it is time to not to "listen to the words she says" and I will NOT miss those little talks.

Thank you everyone for being there...you all truly are my inspiration.